american sniper, the sitcom

Dialogue from the "American Sniper" film, as used in the pilot for the TV comedy of the same name:

Scene: The Kyle family dining room table

Father: (speaking to his two sons, in a Texas twang): There are three types of people in this world: sheep, wolves and sheepdogs. Some people prefer to believe evil doesn’t exist in the world. And if it ever darkened their doorstep they wouldn’t know how to protect themselves. Those are the sheep.


Father: And then you got predators.

The camera cuts to a schoolyard bully beating a smaller boy.

[groans, some laughter]

Father: They use violence to prey on people. They’re the wolves. Then there are those blessed with the gift of aggression and an overpowering need to protect the flock. They are a rare breed who live to confront the wolf. They are the sheepdog. (waits a beat) We’re not raising any sheep in this family.

[burst of laughter]

The father lashes his belt against the dining room table, accompanied by a loud, cartoonish whipcrack.


Father: I will whup your ass if you turn into a wolf. We protect our own. If someone tries to fight you, tries to bully your little brother, you have my permission to finish it.

[final burst of laughter]

Cut, to commercial.

liberally adapted from Chris Hedges' American Sniper review, check it out for more comedy gold